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Clients from Hell

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About this blog

A blog, which I feel that anyone that spends more then 20 minutes in the PP chat can connect with. Entertaining stories about stupid clients. All entries are automated. 

Entries in this blog

Lenigrast

Client: I’d like to hire you for a wedding shoot. Your website says initial meetings are free - is that right?

Me: That’s right. I’ll meet you to show you my portfolio and discuss your budget, requirements, etc.

Client: Great! Can you meet us at [time, date, location]?

Me: That’s a bit outside where I would usually go to a meeting, but sure.

I showed up to the “meeting” and… it’s actually their wedding. he’s in a suit, she’s in a wedding dress, and there are hundreds of guests milling about.

Me: Uh…

Client: Well, looks like I tricked you. Anyway, per your email, this is the “initial meeting” and it’s free. So please get your camera ready and we can get started.

I explained that this wasn’t going to happen. She threatened to sue, and when that didn’t work, told me her groom and his guests were all marines who were about to go overseas. I’m not sure if that was a threat or a call for sympathy.

I left.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I had a dream client. We worked together for over 20 years without any contract, he would pay within an hour of being invoiced and never questioned an invoice.

While he was on holiday his second in command sent me a job request:

Client: Would you like to do this billboard for me?

It took a bunch of work because I’d never worked with the second in command before and didn’t’ know his style of communication. Eventually, after many tweaks, I got it right and he was happy with it.

I sent an invoice to my usual client at the company… who had no idea what I was charging for. It turns out his second in command had jumped ship, taking the billboard client, and my work, with him.

When I finally caught up with this other guy I tried to invoice him, but he refused to pay.

Client: Hey now – I asked if you’d like to do it. I didn’t say it was a job.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Me: I’m finding it difficult to understand what you’re describing. Can you please clarify how I should change the drop shadow to make it look “sexier”?

Client: Can I send you an example of what it should look like?

Me: That’d be great!

I open my phone to see a picture. Of a box. Of condoms


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I was working on a newsletter that’s been around for nearly 100 years and hasn’t changed its formatting in that time. 

Client: The text looks small.

Again, the format has changed in nearly 100 years. To humor him, I zoomed in.

Me: How does that look?

Client: Maybe a bit bigger. 

I zoom in more.

Me: How about now? 

He actually held a ruler up against the screen.

Client: That’s perfect, thanks. 


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Wordpress developer, educator, host of How I Built It, and all around sweetheart joins Kyle on today’s episode to talk about why he called out Clients From Hell, and how you should approach client education! He also talks about productization and why you should schedule creating a product in addition to your services!

It’s a real corker. Give it a listen!

Today’s links: 

Want to support the show?

Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or recommend us to a friend. It helps immensely.


Download here!


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I work for an AV company setting up lighting, video, and audio equipment for live events. Clients commonly ask for less than they actually need, and then expect us to have extra equipment once we arrive, knowing that publicly it will look bad on us rather than them if we don’t have them.

Me: So what do you need for microphones?

Client: One handheld mic. That’s it.

I quoted for the handheld, showed up with that, set it up and everything. Sure enough, once everything the client has actually requested WAS set up.

Client’s Tech: Do you have the lavalier (clip-on) mics ready to soundcheck?

Me: We were told you only needed one handheld mic.

Client’s Tech: Can you check the agreement? Because we need two lavaliers, two handhelds, a line for running computer audio… (etc, etc)

The whole list was eight times what they asked for. I managed to scrounge up a second handheld for them and fulfill most of their requests on the fly, but had to use some creativity because I didn’t have any lavaliers

Me: That’s everything you asked for, but I don’t recommend the lavaliers – they’re going to cause too much feedback in this room.

Client’s tech: Okay, we’ll make do.

Phew!


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Crazy huge bundle $14! 99% off!

tumblr_inline_p0m7uwwzWj1rbohuo_540.png

This week’s deal is so good, it’s stupid. 100+ Fonts and 1500+ graphics for $14. 

> Seriously. That’s a lot. 

tumblr_inline_p0m7vb0rsv1rbohuo_540.pngtumblr_inline_p0m7vdC9R31rbohuo_540.pngtumblr_inline_p0m7vgNzzx1rbohuo_540.pngtumblr_inline_p0m7vlDJMz1rbohuo_540.png

Like, a lot a lot. $14 gives you a whole host of new fonts to play with, and high-res backgrounds, textures, hand-drawn illustrations, and so much more. You could conceivably have a full, successful design career based on just the elements in this bundle - or you could definitely reinvigorate an already successful one. Sell one design with one of these elements and you’re laughing. Sell 100 designs with 100s of these elements, and you’re a pro. 

Buying all the elements in this package individually would add up to $1630, which is already a dollar per element. For just a few more days, you can get all 100+ fonts and 1500+ graphics for just $14, or 99% off. If you buy one design bundle this year, this should be the one.

> Check out the deal here. 


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Me: Your website is done. Can you please check if everything’s fine?

Client: It looks nice. Can you please just remove my email and password from the login form?

Me: There is no information on the login form. Can you please send me a screenshot of what you see?

They send a screenshot.

Me: Sir, that’s just Chrome’s autocomplete.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

A family member owns a small shoe company. I’ve been working for him for years, doing flyers, brochures, and social media promotions. This time he wanted an 8.5x11 flyer that featured their shoes. These are the verbatim instructions I received.

Client: So, when I imagine how to depict that visually, what I see in my mind’s eye is a wide, winding path through a park. On the right side of the path is someone walking their dog or pushing a stroller. On the left, passing the walker is a young woman out for a jog. In a sun-drenched meadow behind a tall tree next to the path is a yoga class. On the other side of the path; a young couple sitting on a bench. And, off in the distance, a pick-up basketball game.

Client: That is a set-up that could have infinite variations in future, for our website or Facebook graphics. You could swap out the guy with a dog for a woman with a stroller or an older couple with a cane. You could swap out the yoga class with kids playing Frisbee or an aerobics class. You could swap the jogger for a bicycle rider. You could even swap out the whole park scene for a downtown city street. The key is everybody is wearing our shoes. You could even have a magnifying glass lens superimposed over some of the people’s feet to identify the different lines of shoes they are wearing.

On top of the fact that trying to put all of this on an 8.5x11 flyer would be simultaneously impossible and insane, he also somehow expected me to go out and photograph this scene myself. I am not a photographer nor did he have the budget for such a thing, so I would have to somehow get stock images of everything he was looking for and Photoshop his shoes on everyone so it looked natural.

To his credit:

Me: What you’re asking for is basically completely impossible, given your budget and basic visual limitations.

Client: I understand.

He may have missed his calling as a director.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I do a lot of work in video editing for a college. This year some of the Animal Welfare staff had a brainwave to put together a Christmas video featuring animated photos of singing Meerkats. The whole point of the video was to be as cheesy as possible. Fake snow, Santa and Elf hats on the animals, voices tuned to sound like the Chipmunks, the works. After a morning of putting a draft together, I showed the client the first pass.

Client: I like it, but I think you should lose the fake snow and Christmas hats. I prefer to see the natural beauty of the animal.

Me: Well, we’re having them sing a Christmas song like the Chipmunks. It’s not exactly a nature documentary.

Client: Well, put it to a vote with a few other people in the office. See what they think.

Everyone else in the office: Obviously you should go full cheese with the hats and the snow.

To his credit, the boss conceded. Talk about missing the point though.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I was having a meeting with a company to write blogs for them. The client was the CEO of the company, but he also brought his marketing manager to the meeting (but didn’t let him say anything). The CEO was a straight salesperson and he’d obviously read somewhere that SEO is the way forward. It was a doomed conversation from the start and the poor marketing guy looked ready to cry.

Client: So I’m really just looking for great SPO.

Me: I’m not familiar with SPO. What’s that?

Client: (clearly annoyed) I’d have thought a writer would know all about Google ranking.

Me: Oh, you mean S-E-O? Yes, I agree it’s really important.

Client: Evidently not. Well, I just want great SPO.

Me: Okay, I can work on that. I charge X per blog, and…

Client: What kind of discount can you do?

Me: Pardon?

Client: Obviously we’d be looking for a discount.

Me: I couldn’t tell you until I’ve written up a proposal and looked over the project as a whole. What sort of topics are you looking for?

Client: Just as much SPO as possible. I want keywords to make up two-thirds of each paragraph, maybe in bold or caps.

I look over at the marketing guy, who looks miserable. This is clearly a recurring problem.

Me: …I’m sorry, but that kind of keyword density and formatting would make content almost unreadable.

Client: I know all about good SPO, just give me a discount and do as I say. I want us at the top of Google.

I sent them a proposal with the full amount, no concessions. I never heard back. I hope the marketing guy finds better work where his input is appreciated.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Client: It’s great to talk, I’ve been having no luck with freelancers. I need a professional writer that can generate content in a fraction of the time it would take me, but at a fraction of the price that my own time is worth.

Me: I can certainly do that. What’s your budget?

Client: $8 for 2000 words. Obviously, that’s fully SEO optimized.

Me:

Client: I know all about SEO.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Just set up an e-commerce website for a client. The site had a live chat feature where they have to remain logged into the online dashboard to be able to chat with website visitors. I offered to provide training on how to do this but they were adamant they knew what they were doing. I opened a chat window to test the feature with them, while also on the phone.

Client: I just need to know how to see when someone types in the live chat.

Me: You need to login to your online dashboard.

Client: I am logged in.

Me: Are you sure? My window isn’t saying you’re logged in.

Client: I’m logged in! Here, I’ll show you.

They send a screenshot; sure enough, they’re logged into their account settings but not the dashboard.

Me: Click on Dashboard.

They do so, and in the support window I see a message saying they are online.

Me: Okay, that’s working. Just make sure you’re logged into the dashboard.

Client: So do I have to be logged into this all the time?

Me: Yes

Client: So I need two monitors to make this work?

Me: No, you can minimise the dashboard and the chat window and carry on with other things. Just don’t close it or log out.

Client: I just closed it because I needed to Google something. How do I close it without shutting it down?

Me: I quit.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I’m an internal one-person marketing dept. Sent a new hire their business card draft for review with questions.

Me: Here’s the draft of the business card. I just need a few things from you before moving forward: I need you to review it and let me know if you need any edits; I need the address you would like these shipped to once they’re printed; I also need your extension for the company number to update your info. Once I have that I’ll send them to the printers.

Client: Thanks!

Me: ….

They didn’t send anything else.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

Client: I have no power in my office. What do I do?

Me: Well, they cleaned the carpets last night. Maybe they tripped the breaker. Let me go look.

I go and discover the breaker was indeed tripped. I reset it.

Me: OK. Try now.

Client: Nope. Nothing is working still. 

Me: Weird. Let me take a look.

Sure enough, nothing will turn on. 

Me: Hmm. Maybe the surge protector got turned off or something.

Client: That’s probably what it is. I unplugged everything when I discovered there was no power. Do I need to plug everything back in?


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I was editing product information copy text in Dutch. The client sends me some Google translated copy that was unintelligible – I couldn’t even tell what the topic was.

Me: Can you send me that text in the original language? What you sent me was unreadable. I’ll translate it from scratch into the right format.

The client then sent me six separate PDFs, none of which were the original copy of what he’d sent me.

I persevered, and using those sources (which were highly technical information sheets) I composed new copy that I sent back to him to be approved.

Client: This is appalling! I’ve sent corrections but I’m not sure this is fixable. This is completely unprofessional work.

Of course, he’d corrected the Google-translated text he’d originally sent me.

I told him this, and resent my original copy to be approved. I didn’t hear back for five weeks.

Client: Just use this.

Attached was all new copy… that had been Google-translated and was completely unusable.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

I was messaging with a potential client:

Client: Can we move to video chat?

Me: I’m sorry, I can’t do that at this time. I’ll do whatever I can to help you here in this chat.

Client: Video chat please and pleeeaase show your tits

Call ended, client blocked. However, they left a one-star review of me saying “she won’t show tits,” bringing my overall rating down. I’m in support chat trying to get it deleted but it’s taking way too long.

Thanks a lot for ruining my night, jerk.


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast
tumblr_inline_p092ppZgIE1rbohuo_540.png

This week’s deal is all you need to turn your designs into winter wonderlands, all for only $11. 

> At 99% off, that’s a hot deal on some very cool Photoshop tools. 

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The Mega Snow & Winter Bundle comes with all the tools you need to add snow and ice to winter ads, posters, invitations and more. Add realistic snow with snow brushes for Photoshop, or customizable overlays that make any photo look like it’s happening in a Christmas movie. Add intricate and gorgeous snowflake vectors around the borders of your designs, or use any of the 36 high-res winter landscape photos as backdrops. This is a one-stop shop for your holiday and winter promotions.

These are pretty powerful tools, and their full asking price is (believe it or not) $1100 - which makes today’s asking price of $11 seem pretty danged reasonable.

> Check out the deal here!


Source: Clients from Hell

Lenigrast

An elderly gentleman came to us to put together a mail-out for his non-profit organization. He gave us the mailing lists, about 4,000 addresses in total. He also gave us the file he wanted us to print and mail: a PowerPoint slideshow.

Obviously, we took the contents of that slideshow and recreated it as a flyer rather than sending out a PowerPoint print-out. We sent him proofs asking for feedback beforehand but he said he was “sure it would be fine.”

It wasn’t fine.

Client: Why didn’t you send what I gave you?

Me: PowerPoint isn’t a design program, and it isn’t appropriate for printing. We tried to recreate what you gave us as a PDF in the proper dimensions.

Client: I don’t understand. Next time, just do what I tell you.


Source: Clients from Hell

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